Leaving your child...how hard could it be...

2015 has been challenging. Wife's transfer, mother's swine-flu scare, dad's medical treatment and professionally the growth of my product. Each and everything took a part of me for good; for bad. For good - mainly because it taught me things about myself, I never knew existed. For bad - as it hurts at times, breaks me down and bring me down on my knees.

Of all the aspect, the thought of leaving my children been difficult beyond imagination. My wife got her H1B and as promised to her, I supported her fully in living the American-Dream. Oh! And what a dream beginning we got in Jan of 2015. With temperature in range of -15C to -20C, I finally found at what temperature I start to feel shit-cold. We came to our rental-apartment just one day before the Boston record-breaking storm hit the East cost. For the next two months settling my wife, enrolling my daughter into foreign land day-care and doing this all without car in US of A. Tough-Man! But the real pain starts to hurt, when I took cab back to Boston airport in March leaving behind my heart, my soul. If marriage is merging of two soul, what does the child represents? Halo of our soul? She cried seeing her father go away, I cried on the airport (and number of times since then while on Skype). 

Work and time has been kind, while Work keeps me occupied beyond imagination, time passes quickly. Sometimes over the weekend, time does tends to stop, give rise to thought, may be we should have 6 days working. On second thought, may be not :)

Time has again frozen with the events of the last few weeks. Something has made me decide to leave my second child (yes - the children above wasn't a typo). Since March, my second child, my product who came to my life around 18 months back, has kept me hands-on all the time. The journey hasn't been easy; I adopted this kid and didn't raise it from its birth. The kid is tough, keeps me awake with questions lot of times I can't answer or can't comprehend. Sometime the kid is lost and looks up for guidance too. Now that the kid is ready to beat an old timer, I have to let go kid's hand and gave it to others. 

First late night up for the kid to respond was to display validation errors on the editor, the first international weekend trip was the auto-generation of UI, the official adoption lasted 2 months of discussion and documentation. The kid is brash with the learning from many parents, like an orphan bouncing multiple foster homes. I can't predict kid's future, but can only pray it adjust with the new parents and live up to the dream I once had for it.

...to be continued...

If my stupidity helps the team/product...then be it...

I have no false assumptions or feeling that I am the best software developer that every lived on this planet. I can write code in languages (java, javascript, some test code in ruby...) and they are good enough in quality. The good-enough is a relative and debatable term. For me it is good-enough if it follows design which scales (for performance, future changes, adaptable, etc) and follows the customer's requirement. 

The reason why I am making this self-declaration is because of the kind of language senior colleague continue to use in the team. He is a top performer and he is brilliant and I have learned lot to things during my course of working with him. Yet his way of speaking is not at all good. He is never reprimanded by my manager as without him, the product can't deliver fast & furious (or at least that is what the believe is for the management). All my manager can say is "Please improve on it, and here is the best rating you can have". I will talk about this little more later.

Coming to the part where I did some stupidity which actually helped the product/team. We had a small training (which most of the participant didn't take seriously) which deeply talked about using different libraries to test the product. TDD (Test Driven Development) even though exists for long, it is hard for lot of developers to use it every day. The training had a good section on TDD.  Coming back from the training I personally realized our functionality has 'no' safety net. There are just not enough test cases which need to protect our code changes. So I began the challenge to take our code coverage to 75% if not 100%. That was the base line challenge because there are everyday change/addition to specific code base + lot of different teams are working on the same code base. To save what we have already done, this was the need of the hour. Due to strict timelines and of course the 'stupidity' I did, the assert in all test cases are comparing two strings. While the expected string is stored in test case project as a file, the other string is generated. The ideal approach would have to parse the generated string and check whether the expected values exists or not, without bothering about the other content. I knew at that point of time the approach taken is wrong and I was stubborn about it at the beginning in Scrum. I have wasted a good opportunity to write good safety net for a reason. 

And the reason is simple: Everyone in the team was lazy and that includes everyone (me, the top performer, the low performers, everyone...) in writing test cases. Just because the code runs on server and it is difficult to write test cases, every one avoided it. The training really brought an easy to use mechanism and I now have done the initial work. Had I opted for parsing the generated string and doing what is required, it would still have been the same state in the team. Getting people to write test cases, maintaining test cases is one of the hardest thing to do. People don't really understand the importance and believe that manual testing at the end of every cycle of shipment can deliver real quality. From then on, things started to break as soon someone started writing new code, new functionality. Now the build breaks because test cases aren't passing through. If you comment out the test case (calling it 'idiotically-written-code' or 'stupid code' - terms used by 'Mr.Top Performer'), the coverage matrix drops below 75%. Developer has no escape, but to write it, fix it... And then the original idea of parsing of string and validating the existing content started to knock on everyone's head. 

Few Debatable points over the whole conversation:

1) I could have written it the right way and code coverage would have gone down; we could still reprimanded the developer. 

    This approach might have been the right way to do it, but then developers are writing test cases just to get the code coverage up and not really to cover all scenarios which will save the code from future changes. 

2) Lead by example by doing the thing write and then reprimand the developer who doesn't follow.

    The monster company I am in, code coverage hasn't been ever the main cause for concern. Quality is just not the habit. Yes I agree, I am generalizing every developer under the sun here (but remember I am pointing that same finger towards me first), the new bunch could have proven me wrong and hence I am also calling my approach stupidity to begin with. 

***

While this blog talks about the quality aspect of the software development, I don't think I would do it again. I try to write as best as possible each time and hope people lead from there. Further on, I mentioned I would mention something more about how things are governed. I happen to be aggressive when doing development and indeed went over-board (and apologies later) to my colleague for being aggressive. Still I end up getting the best rating company has to offer last year. The behavior aspect of a colleague isn't considered if you deliver the best. Sad as it may be, this is what is it. The product is greater than all emotional and mental state. Customer doesn't pay for how happy we are but how good the product works. Build it under stress or under joyful state is one choice. I choose to stay as joyful as possible and whenever I find my mind getting stretched, use my blog as a pensive to cast the thought away.

Emotions have no place in professional coding...

For the past few months I have joined different team. The effort comes form the management to increase pace of a certain product our company is building. Of course I can on my blog criticize my company on waking up almost two years later on building this product, but again that will be really against what I have learned recently.

The idea of working with a different team was initially scary. Mainly because after having become dinosaurs in building UI on a specific platform, switching to a different platform, learning new technology along with different programming languages was freaking me initially. Yet there are times challenges are right in front of me and all I have to do is stand-up. And here is the need to not think 'emotionally'. Questioning oneself with all the doubts in world - "Whether I would be able to learn this or that?" - "What if I make a fool of myself?" - "What about if I code really bad in the new languages I would learn?" -- all of this were the exact emotions bubbling to the surface. How did I overcome this, by reminding how I got selected in the first place to this company seven years back. I used to work in completely different platform (AS400/Mainframes) with a very very tiny component which was in Java. The java part was just maintenance with no new development but scope for lot of improvements. Like any service company, innovation wasn't the need of the hour but keeping customer happy was (as always). Yet as a young kid with time on his side, ventured into the unknown creating something unique (small but unique). The customer liked it and I learned Java to some extend (still learning...) So what really happened here...I was not emotional, I was fearless, I was thinking like a college kid in mood to do things, giving it a try without the fear of failure or success. 

Seven years down the line I did something same. realizing I have become dinosaur of this Java technology, I liked the idea of doing it all over again. 

To start with, I saw an example of someone really senior in the team I joined keeping his emotions in check. What the management decides in future, whether we will take over this product or will continue to contribute is debatable point, but this senior guy welcome us with open mind. His idea was simple, share the knowledge and let the product grown, right now that is the agenda and all the future thing are not. Had he gone over the range of emotions and arguments attached to that, "why should we give away our hard work?", "Is the senior management questioning our capabilities and want outside parties to work on it?", "We asked for the same thing two years back; why they waking up now?"; we (the whole team) wouldn't have reached this far. 

During the whole process of working in new team there was a different activity of people management going around. For me it is troublesome and something which I can't talk-out-loud. No, it is not about the last post on my blog, but yes everything to do with my company. The only part of it I can say out here in this public forum that it has impacted me so deeply that I have lost respect of the my company's (in India) management completely. I am not involved with this management on the day today basis and are not part of my development management group. The whole set of emotions which I am feeling (and will keep on feeling) are something which has impacted me professionally. It did cloud my judgement on one occasion in making what would be the right choice for the product. And from that I have learned, emotions are the devil which will stop you in doing what is needed and waste time, energy and lot of other resources pondering over it in-turn resulting in bad choices. 

There are two more instances for which I am proud that I prevailed over my reactive-emotions. First was when my own team poked me with useless questions about whether I am following their progress while working in different team and making remarks which had nothing to do with my questions. All I did was question which will make sure our product is delivered with the features we are promising. Very happy to say, I adapted quickly, questioned the right guy and aligned it quickly. Had I ponder over the emotions the team managed to generate, I might have been late in our promise. 

The second of situation is still in progress, it is the reason why I had started the blog in the first place. We all love the code we write; we all hate when someone points out that there is serious (or not so serious) bug in our code. But does it really matter whether hating or loving code will make our product better. There are product owners who are supposed to envision how the product evolve, there are senior architect (very very senior) who overlook the information flowing in to respective team architects for concept/design and finally there are developers who get the code rolling. Because of this long chain of information sharing, smaller things are bound to be overlooked. Some where someone will question about these smaller things and it is possible we reach state of unknown. So as a developer with few months of experience (of course the new place has new technology) questioned seasoned campaigner who in my opinion has the most brightest of ideas when implementing solutions. Why I questioned it? Because I checked the first set of emotions of 'what will he think?' or 'Am I making a rookie mistake'.... Then post his reply, which I felt strange, I checked my emotion again of 'feeling-strange'. I questioned again about the need of creating something which the framework already provides. If something isn't working by the framework's logic itself, then something might have gone wrong in the way our logic works. Or we just might have discovered bug in the framework's logic. I didn't let my emotion cloud my statement. I explained what I understood of how-to-use-the-framework and let the team's architect to make the call. If similar opportunity comes in future & I have to make a call this instance will assist me and I will have a baseline as to how others thought about the different ideas pertaining to this product. 

Lastly, how would my reaction be if the team's architect didn't like my approach and want to follow the existing behavior? I should debate without letting emotions getting better of me. And in the end let go irrespective of the outcome. Some what during the process of writing this blog, I have let it go. I learned something, I did something for making product better. I still love the code I wrote and I am still trying to keep 'emotions' & 'professional-work' in two separate chambers of my head :) 

Enough is Enough...

Bruce Wills says in Die Hard 4.0 -- "Why I am doing this, because no one else will. If anyone else can do it, I would be happy to give it up". This is the reason why I am making a documented effort. 

For the first time in my seven years of working in my company, I have to say, "I had enough of it". Someone should stand up and say to our MD, this is just making 'my company' is a good enough place to work, but doesn't have the best of environment/management. The number of ground level problems have been so many and the resolution so few. Why common sense can't prevail in so many of these scenarios? Why every time a developer effort has to be spent to solve management issue? Why at the end of every question raise, I am left with the feeling, "why in the hell I raise it in the first place". We are sooner or later gonna turn into a Indian Govt. organization where Dinosaurs are ruling, who have no imagination or anything. Extinction isn't far away my friend.

Few things I would like to say before I begin about this extreme desire to vent my frustration. 

• People who know me will definitely understand the company I work in. Please again use your common sense to talk about this or comment about it. 
• This is not about the work we do. I am extremely happy for the opportunities I am getting and my manager has over the years have acknowledge it.
• This is an 'Emotion' response. If someone is here to bind logic, please use your own common sense to judge for all these problems because if you don't have that, ideally you are the same group, against whom I am sharing this frustration.
• I can't at any cost take name of my company, because it can than be taken up as propaganda. I have been in this company for seven years and will always propose my company to other friends, so I have no hidden agenda here. 
• The reason why this has to be documented, because until it is in my system, I will remain angry about the whole 'thing'. And this 'anger' or at times sense of desperation will cloud my judgement to appreciate the good things which come along. 
• My fellow colleagues have reached that plastic state where they are living with these problems. They don't want to fix the broken system; The don't want to give feedback; They can complain as much in-person, but can't grow enough balls to send an e-mail to management about the pathetic state of affairs; and feedback always have fallen on deaf years. Still I will scream till my last breath in this company.

Immediate Cause: The bus service + food provided by the company for a recently organized event & for first time taking my own transport during team outing (w/ family)

Long Term Causes: 

1. Damage to my car while following one of company's 'Dinosaurs' process
2. Discussion for keeping the air conditioning on after 6 pm in office
3. Discussion for improving the transport system of the company on team outings.
4. Mosquitoes in the building because we like a jungle like aesthetics inside the building

Our history teacher at school used to say, "...for both the world war which has happened, there are immediate cause and long term causes..." and from there I realized for every reaction there has to be the two 'causes' namely the immediate one, which triggers the 'final-nail-in-the-coffin' and long term, which builds up the whole issue.

Let us start with the immediate cause - Today was for the first time we had team outing where I used my own transport. Total time taken on road = 3 hrs, total distant covert = 100 kms approx. But at the end of day I felt, the pain in the legs driving in Bangalore traffic is far-far less then the pain generally in head and body by using the company provided transport. We didn't get the company transport, because we planned it with our family. Now compare it with the function which was organized by the company last week and because it was a mandatory event, I used the company provided shuttle for the transport. Here is the list of events which happened:

• Company provides all routes which different buses will take.
• Company asks all employees to register for bus service to understand the logistics and specify the pickup point explicitly. 
• Company asks employees to be on stop 5 mins before pickup time.
• Morning pick-up time is 6:57 am from my stop. I am here by mistake at 6:30 am. 
• The crowd of  30 odd people builds up around 6:45-6:50 am
• First bus (route 43) is a bus which can't hold capacity of 30; was already full; arrives more than 5 mins late. Around 7:20 am
• Calling the helpline provided, one single formulated answer 'We have enough bus, it will reach you'.
• Another 52 seater comes around 7:30 am. Considering I should have been on stop around 6:52 am, around 38 mins late. 
• The bus gets full and we don't pick up anyone on the way (God only knows what happened to people after our stop!!!)

Sadly things doesn't end here... We had to return too right in the same transport. These are the list of events happening in the evening:

• According to the known information (here I might be wrong), we were supposed to leave for home at 9:30pm. We didn't till 10pm.
• We were coming from Tumkur Road to Marthahalli to Kundhanhalli. First person who got down of our bus was at Total Mall on outer ring road. 
• I was mostly sleepy in the bus, but when I woke up, I saw my college road and we were near IISC. I was like "Why the bus driver going this way?"
• Then I saw 'Sanky Tank', then I saw Cauvery Theater junction and then the driver turns towards Palace Ground and finally I got restless and asking some colleague to talk to driver in local language.
• Finally when the driver crossed Hebbel and we were about to get on the Elevated Highway, someone knocked some sense into him and we took a long U-turn heading back on to outer ring road. 
• If anyone can understand the Bangalore roads, they will know we wasted lot of time. In the morning and now in the night, just because my company can't handle travel basically.
• Finally, I dosed off only to think we are on the right way. But then another bus/truck/lorey hit our bus and knocked off the side mirror, I woke up worried, now an employee is injured too. Thank to which ever God who was watching over us, no one got injured. I stepped out of my bus around 11:40 pm. 

Food!!! OMG! Can there be a bigger fish market than this. Hot, chaotic and at times no-food. Again bullet points to cover them all:

• No spoons; if spoons are available no plates
• No food at most of the counters. If something is available, something else isn't. 
• Lunch I never saw 'chapati' -- Every one I guess at rice. Boring sessions (personal opinion), then rice which cause more sleep. 
• Dinner lesser chaos. 
• Food quality was even pathetic than what we get in office and that is saying something. 

I have attended in past other events by my company and every time I have gone to the delegates sections to have the food. This time sadly being the new place had no idea where that was. Warning: if you are an employee of my company, please either become delegate or don't come to the event. 

The next point I am talking has actually made me change my behavior about the company assists which they have given to the employees. It is more or less a closed discussion from the Management point of view. They have silently washed away their hand with the problem and only silver light I can say is the HR who has been supportive towards my cause. We have an XYZ policy which required company security guard touching my car which I used to commute. Because of the XYZ policy, some part of my car got damages because the security guard didn't do his task properly. The management says 'We are not asking you to come by car, so we are not responsible for it'. The person who said this, when he said that, looked exactly like the insurance guys when we expect some claim to be settled and they want to wash their hands by finding fault/loop-hole in the situation. He also said that personally I feel XYZ policy should be scrapped, but it is being done for a long time and we have to check with everyone around. This is a classic example of Indian Parliament where they just talk and nothing is done to fix common-man problems. My HR at least called up from US and discussed over the phone and requested some time to discuss with the security guy. Let see if ever I hear anything related to this...

Other points:

1. I have stopped staying beyond 6. There are big mosquitoes and irrespective of what actions company takes, somehow the remain bugs are always attracted towards my blood. I have seen friends having malaria and I don't want to go through it.
2. It gets unbelievable hot after 6 in office. So much so that it is suffocating. I have got a personal fan, but due to shortage of fans in company, it is horrible sweaty environment. 
3. The coffee vending machine, the coke machine everything is shutdown at 5:30 pm. So get your own caffeine if planning to work post that along with of course the office mosquitoes. 
4. Cab drivers in office... for me this point is closed more or less. Until someone will die due to the rash behavior of facility in our company 'No' one will wake up. I know this will happen one day, while I hope it never happens, it will and my heart knows this will. 
• Why it is close - Previously said, I felt much better driving on my own now.
• What is bad about it - talking on mobile while driving, driving fast (had to hold on to seat belt when being dropped to airport).
• Why not complain about it - Does it help? Here even I am in plastic state. They come, they go, cab drivers still remain the same. Employee should be given the power to say to the driver, 'if you do this thing wrong one more time, I will report now'. No money paid if any complain comes. 

For my colleagues, something will happen. I will from now on come in my own car. If at any point of time someone will ask me to drop, I will politely refuse it. Because I never got support in getting another feedback, another voice and this includes even female employees too. It would be hard to explain it to them why, but for all past, present and future teammates of mine, extremely sorry, but I had to make a stand and this is just the beginning.

Moments In Life...

"Everything I do... I do it for...", music played in the background as I was sitting in the cafe cola on NH-24. While my friend and I were finishing our coffee in utter silence, my eyes goes across to the couple on the far end of the cafe. They were in love...at least the baby-pink love where two people swear to live & die together not knowing what happens the day next. On any other day, I would have ignored that and moved on with my life, storing some part of that picture in my consciousness. But not today; today we were heading to Lucknow for a friends wedding. Not an orthodox wedding with invitation, music and all the Indian fanfare, but to make sure nothing goes wrong. We were making sure two friends, two member of our gang, against the will of girl's parent, get married. Not many people knew about the whole situation. Only Raj and I right knew the silence was deafening. The call a week back from Andy, the days that followed up convincing him it may not be right and then the joining of force to actually make it happened has created a chaos in our gang. Friends were coming from far-far places and they all knew, if things go bad we are bound to end up in lockup.

Coming back to the young couple, I asked Raj, Andy and Cube (what we used to call the couple who were getting married to each other) were always like that. They hit off right from the time group came together. Raj, just nodded; he still pondering over the discussion. I had asked him to let it go and join whole heartedly. But for me it was recalling memories of the old. When the guy, slide down and rested his head in the girls lap, I shifted in discomfort as an old wound has just started to hurt. There are somethings of love that can never be forgotten, like the first kiss; the first fight; the first breakup. For me this brought the memories and the times we have stayed in the same pose...

Flashback...."In a water park, for the first time I had kept my head in her lap. We have been friends and now we are lovers. There are people watching but we don't care; we are the only couple by far but we don't care. All we can do is look into each other eyes while we talk (mostly I talk; she just listens). And as I ran my hand gently through her hair, I remove the clip holding them all together. Locks of hair fell like flakes of snow, smelling of flower... I pushed her towards me first time and say something in her ear. Not that there was something secretive to be said, but to see whether she is scared to kiss me. Of course I could feel her trembling and then next moment, I felt her moist lips...."

Flashback... "Not really sure where we were sitting, it was kind of a tree-house but made of stone and it was the only hideout kind-of place in the park we were. I went to meet her and she had arranged bike from a friend, so that we can drive far off...there we were, in a strange kind of tree-house and I was in her lap again, this time playing much freely with her hair. She didn't mind it either; she knew it excited me a lot. Then I took out a piece of paper from my pocket. One of my close friend, who knew about my girl-friend, wrote lyrics of song...my friend asked me to sing it to my girl-friend next time I meet her. And here I was, singing, while lying in her lap..."

Recent Flashback..."I just knew where she lives; didn't know whether she was happy with the new life, the people around, but I had to see her. I wanted that closure, I wanted to move on. And not knowing, I boarded the same train as she had to her town. She didn't see me through out the trip, but I did as and when I pass by her compartment. There he was, in her lap, her ten months old child, hugging on to her breast tightly.... I took the first train back"

The coffee had gone cold, the sun has broken out of the misty fog of early January, the couple had left. Raj tapped on my shoulder, that we should leave only to realize, the tear on my cheek. My eyes said I didn't want to discuss. Raj turned around and walked toward the car. I whipped my tear, gulped my coffee in one shot, with a smile coming on my lips, I walked on, thinking only that she is happy now!!!

P.S - What happened with Andy & Cube...they lived happily ever after!!!

The beginning...

Everywhere the feelings of a mother are described in the most beautiful ways. Mother's day is more important than Father's day. Women's day is celebrated where as there isn't any Men's day. So when a lady gets pregnant everyone around us talks about how she is feeling, how she will cope with each and everything that lies ahead. To this, my views are there isn't anything (not even God) who can describe it, the rainbow of feelings which affects her physically, mentally and emotionally. But where is father in all the big-bang story? What does he says, feels or is he even open enough to express an opinion.

Belonging to a very orthodox Indian family, the Male is a non-existing entity in the process of bring a new life in this world. Ironically, the science behind the whole process starts with the male, but this can't be discussed and is never taken into account. It is known to everyone, but not to be said out loud. The difference here though is that the current breed of Men, who belongs to the orthodox Indian family, living in the growing economy of metro/comso cities, are sandwich between the two generation. The plain orthodox family from the past and the ever growing modernized society of the future. Our parents didn't have Toys 'R' us when we were born, they didn't have so many books, internet. It was knowledge of one mother to another, being passed on. The father was always imagined a person outside the labor room  (which may/may not be a hospital), pacing impatiently while ladies of old (mid-wife) will be taking necessary steps to extend the child-mother bond into this world. Even though, my parents had the best of times in the 80s and I got the best possible and sophisticated care of a nursing home, many who would have studies with me, might have gone through the traditional process.  So here I am, talking about the journey of the new world, with the latest technology, expressing what it takes to be the logical one - Father.

Beginning before the Beginning

"It is a big step to get married", that are the exact words I had said to my closest friend when we both (of the same age) were both planning to take the plunge. Both had to opt to the traditional ways of Arrange Marriage, where the parents meet first and then the boy & girl meet. We both got married on consecutive days (and in the process missing each other weddings). My marriage was part of a bigger scheme my parents had in mind. 2008 Feb my brother got married, 2009 Feb my niece was born and in 2010 Feb, I took the plunge/pledge. All along the process of celebrating the coming of my life partner, my lovely (and much old) sister noticed this very scheme. My mother at one point of time, said to my sister, "In three yrs, three celebrations and next year it will be another celebration with Arpit's kid". From that moment on, till the time my sister departed to states, she will find a way to remind me of the bigger scheme my parents had in their mind. To be frank, my sister understand how much I take time in absorbing the big-bang things. Yeah kind of slow in such things. Her constant habit of nagging me with minor details is what has made the real difference. It was time for me to take the big steps. I entered the relationship with open mind and the comradery my wife and I shared from the very beginning made me the next-gen husband and in few years a responsible father. 

First Discussion 

It had been almost around an year when my visit to in-laws place shot up a very disturbing question. Someone in the family mentioned about us not having the kid and questions being asked about the well being of son-in-law. With all due respect to the person asking, I didn't take the expression very well. But as I say, Family might bring out the worst in you at times, but in front of family, try to bring out the best in you all times - no exceptions - hard but true. I remained calm and continued with the conversation and taking his opinion/joke, what ever it may be, in stride. Later on returning home, my wife and I sat and discussed the thought of starting a family. We both belong to what the cosmo-life calls us as DINK - Double Income No Kid. Changing all that wasn't so straight forward. Being the logical and the elder one, responsible to take wife's care, it was natural to me that we decide the number of years we shall enjoy with each other, before we get busy with the circle of life. For most of us it can't be planned. I have known friends who haven't and let nature takes it own course. I respect their views. I differed here as I wanted both us to be ready and plan it both mentally and financially. 

Sex

Not really sure if the next section should ever see the light of the day, but if this blog ever helps a young couple, where the guy is unsure of the questions which comes with starting the family, I am sure this part is worth putting in. In movies, men say, "The more sex one get, the better it is. The greed never ends". Most part of it is true; the male brain never stops thinking about the physical contact. But if I would to put sex in the words of sports, Sex all along is net-practice. The real game is when you decide to make a life out of it. Once the female counterpart is ready and there is a challenge, mind plays great tricks. They are the triggers every person should be aware of. For the first time in my life, I felt it is really-really difficult. For some it might be as easy as it goes, but not for me. It was a rare learning about one self. Every month we waited for the good result and with every passing month the pressure increases, like it is a success one will never achieve. But we were lucky, truly were, that how I imagined is exactly how it happened.

The Good News

We started talking about it right after our second anniversary trip in Feb 2012 to Malaysia-Singapore. It wasn't a concrete discussion till I saw myself 6 month shy of turning 30. We are as young as we are in our mind, but body does weigh us down sometimes. It was time to be not just be us, but be more than us. All along I wish if the good news come when we are on our Diwali break. I was about to get ready to go visit some place with my brother, when my wife called me and told me there are two lines. Clear as crystal! Though I was little disappointed she threw it away without showing it to me, but the clear excitement was sending me through the roof. The visit to some place with my elder brother also sorted somethings in my head. It made me realized that I need to calm down as the news can to be shared only after few months. Here there is the orthodox part of our society, but it is also scientific. Till the scare of the new development of life in the womb is normal, it is not a real news. This is something which lot of people who haven't gone through the process might disagree, but trust me, once anyone is in such a position, it is exactly how you want to play it.

Knot in the stomach

Keeping secrets are hard, especially of such a scale. My wife wanted to have this discussion to our parents only once we have lived the first three months. How many times I wanted to tell it to them, but held back. I am not the person to keep secrets, I am one with voice and words. Staying silent isn't my forte. Who else comes to my help but my wife (aka knight-in-shining-armor). She got me occupied with all the findings, reading articles on websites, listening each time at doctor's visit, that I became responsible about the whole thing.

Our first scare

"No parent should ever buried their own child", is a line from a movie. Our first trimester was going smooth and then suddenly my wife with the scared face told me about her first incident of spotting. And as always the orthodox in me doesn't know what it is all about. And as her face turned red and tears started to trickle down, I was petrified of what could have happened. But the father in me, somewhere growing actually came up with courage. I picked the ipad on the bed and searched immediately. I had heard of it, but didn't know any reason behind it. Two things happened from this incident, I found out about it and there was nothing to be scared about immediately. Mothers go through it quite often and there is high possibility that it will not affect the baby. Consulting the doctors and pacifying my wife, I over come the hurdle. The second thing was, there is a need of an elder. Even though we can do it all alone, it is necessary for them to be around for sometime at the beginning. 

Arrival of the Grands

Each time I had talked to my folks the conversation will lead to one question, "When are we having the baby?" And so it was time to ask my folks to come down and take good care of my wife. I have known all my life that my mother wanted a daughter. She got two sons and being the odd person in the family there have been times that she has missed that feeling. I knew it, but I actually saw it with my wife. On one evening when my wife and I came back from office, my wife immediately hugged my mother like I used to do. At that point my wife was the child and my mother was just "The Mother". There wasn't 'in-law' around and my father & I had smile of content. "We are family"

The unexpected

Are responsible or not is a question only tested by a responsibility. The first trimester had made me trash the house less, come home on time more and cook even more (at any given chance). But what I never expected was to support my wife in a totally unexpected scenario. My father in law had health concern and as my wife was in delicate time of her pregnancy, my mother in law took three days to inform my mother only. For the first time in my life, I had to lie to my wife. All along the bad feeling, the weight of the lie was eating me out. And to hide a single lie we lie more. I had to visit my father in law without telling my wife. Wrapped in this lie, I prayed to God for forgiveness and health for my father in law. After I had stayed for 4-5 days, I came back to my wife. I had to tell her, responsibility was not about going and looking after my father-in-law (there are lot of people who I thank and are did it unconditionally), but the responsibility of handling this news with my wife in the utmost care. How I told her, how I consoled as she cried and how I responded to each of her question was responsibility. She took some time to recover, she talked to her parents, her sister and finally felt much better. Before our marriage she had asked for one thing and one thing only. I remembered that and I hope I played for the time the part of being a son.

Strange changes in strange ways

I am lazy to my bone. My wife knows that (all wives know somehow about their husband) and it was difficult for me to do household chores. My mom used to got mad at me, my hostel-mates know I do it once a month and now my wife knew turn to handle it. But I changed unknowingly. There was milk with proteins, soaking & peeling of almonds, handling the cravings of my wife. Every single laziness had to be put on the back seat. Shopping, movies or food of some type. All needs, all cravings have to be taken care of. Discussion with doctors and making points of each care for the mommy-to-be... Till now that has been the hardest part. There will be more of such times, but this was God's way of teaching the father in me to study kindergarten.    

The Separation

Initially we had decided to have the kid together, but when it come to kids, being prepared for change is the only plan parents can do. After seven months of care we changed plans and my wife went to her parents' place for the delivery. I haven't been together since, the separation is hard as now I don't know what to talk about at times. Evenings passes by in silence, with sometimes ring of the mobile. We do talk daily, I ask about the baby kicks daily, I have seen pictures of my wife growing, yet it is a separation I have to live through. And it is important, really important, because I know it's God's way of telling the father in me, "Dude! It ain't about you. It is about the my creation! So chin up!". And every second I am spending thinking of the life which I will be holding in few months time... If a girl, the time I will spend dressing her up and the help she will setting up her kitchen-blocks and if a boy, the time I will spend running behind him!

Waiting for my family... to be continued!!! 

Ride of my life

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental

But what if they weren't, will then this story (or a part of it) be yours or any other person who has fallen in love once in her/his life. As I begin to narrate this story in first person, the scene is set in balcony of my daughter's house. I am a retired professional, 80 years old, rocking in my chair as I see my teenage grandson coming from his school on the back of his girl-friend's scooty. He is a charming young boy and has a very sweet friend. My daughter has already accepted my grandson's friend as her daughter-in-law, but the mention of such funny topic sends my grandson in fits. My wife will take my grandson's side and defuse the whole situation. And yeah my Grandson is yet to convince his father to get him a two wheeler, until then he continues to accept ride home on the back of his girlfriend’s scooty. At least now the generation doesn't talk about the macho part, unlike our times where friends will be really really mean if we ever sit behind a girl scooty. In our times the story was always the other way around. And here I begin the times where I actually realize how many times, just how many times I have done it.

I was small, around 3 yrs. old. Mostly this part of the story has been told by my parents in front of friends and relatives to just embarrass me. I got my first tri-cycle. It was red in color, had a Ferrari sticker in the front and made me into nothing less than the race car driver. Our neighbors’ daughter was a year older than me and whenever they would come all I would do is convince her to get in the back seat of the tri-cycle. But all she was interested was the food and Barbie dolls. It was on my 4th Birthday (1yr since I started), when she came over and I was dressed in brand-new clothes that I managed to convince her. And boy, I was happy. I took her around the whole house, showing each and every one that finally she agreed. I don't remember her name now, but I remember the story being told over and over again.

I didn't stop there. Studying in boys’ school, there was an air of freedom of being boys. Talk like them, walk like them and be care free. I was a late learner in case of how to ride a cycle. 2 cousins and my brother had to help for me to ride the cycle for the first time (without the support) in 4th standard. The first time I drove alone to a shop to by bread, butter etc for my mother, I managed to trip and fall on top of a girl who lived nearby. She did get mad of course, but we ended up being friends (like in the movies, where the girl will first call the guy idiot and then fall for the same idiot). In this case it wasn't so melodramatic, but it was a friendship which I still remember. She and I were of the same age, going to the same grade (but different school). She belonged to army background and in 2yrs her father transferred to a different town. We cried, we hugged and we promised to stay friends over letters, but we moved on in our life.

Getting into the 6teens, 7teens and growing through puberty without the knowledge of it was even more interesting. No one talks about puberty the way it should be. We just understand from elder brother or gossip magazines how the male-female mate. We pretend that we are shaving our beard though we have only a spec of facial hair, we pretend to grown biceps/triceps and are the macho sport star which every girl will fall in love with, yet we are scared to even go up to one and talk to them. From clothes sent from relatives-abroad, to electronic gadgets which actually belong to dad, we were into showing off. Getting the amazing gear-cycle with horn shape front bar and thin tires was another master piece. This time it wasn’t the urge of having someone on the handle-bar or the back seat. It was the urge of having someone, either walking beside you, while you hold you cycle and walk with her or going/coming back from tuitions alongside a girl. There were some rich boys on motor-bike, showing it off, but from the time when my girl-friend preferred holding my hand and I managing to walk my bike with other used gave me what I always wished for. Especially in winter when she will be cold and my hands will be extra warm and our breath visible in the chilly-evening.

Yet life moves on; heart-break happens; priorities shifts to getting into college. The race of education… And thanks to elder brother you get what you truly think is the only think which can impress a girl - Motorcycle, especially if it either belongs to HONDA or is the new PULSAR. Every college has this PMC (Piya Milan Choraha) and that is where we singles will zip pass our bikes, until one of the girl in college falls for us (not because we have bikes, but because we have brains to respect and listen to them). Long drives to cafes, dropping her off to hostel, getting drenched in rains or just sitting in college parking lot on the same bike. Every single moment has been lived to the fullest.

And so we pass college, we started working in MNCs. Lucky are we like many others who belong to part of India where jobs were available, our average brain was respected and could be used in running major projects. And as we grew in brain, job and age our requirements increased. Bike was just not enough anymore and hence we move onto a car. But either it is filled with office late-night drops or drunken friends for whom you were the designated driver. Sometimes concerned female employees also request for drop and the seat next to you will joyfully fill like the conversation which followed. In one of those drops, in one of those funny conversations “The” girl felt she is with Mr.Right. My hand which was maneuvering the gear-stick was touched by the softness of her palm and her head tired from the long meetings and work in office, tilled and rested onto my shoulder. From that time, the seat next to me hasn’t been empty. We found each other.

And as I see my Grandson once again, standing with her girlfriend next to the scooty, I look towards my right, rocking in the chair next to me is the same girl, who first clasped my hand, kept her head on my shoulder and said yes to me when I got down of the car and went on one knee. How my Grand-son does it, is his story to tell; how I learned and finally did it was all I wanted to share.