After the breakup...

"Time is the greatest healer", someone either suffered a heartbreak and then recovered to write this line or probably saw too many sad-faces to come up with a line like this. I for sure believe Time is as much as too be blamed for all the pain we recieve as we give it credit for healing.

Hi, I am Rahul and this is my story.

My friends and my enemies together told me (yes I keep in close touch with my enemies) that Time will fix all the stuff. When Anjali questioned my love and to asked me to justify how I will make sure our love doesn't fail under the norms of our society, I cave in. She asked me lot of questions:

- How do we make our living?

- How do we raise our kids?

- How do we move away from our current life and lead a disjoint, lonely life?

& above all

- How do we leave our Parents?

To all I was able to answer in peace that if under our society and its guideline, a inter-religious unison will never be accepted, we better move to higher living standard. We avoid such conversations and we become pillars to support each other through tough time. For the first time we both were happy to be rebels. We both knew, how important each other company was. We knew the answer to one person's problem is the companionship of other.

But with time we realize and may be mature that leaving our Parents is neither in the limit of us - feeble mortals or in our God-send love. God himself created these two entites: Blood-relation and mutual-love. Somehow the human harmony only exists if both go hand-in-hand.

This fateful axe fell on both of us and we found time after breakup far more hard than actually fighting for our relationship, with society, our own notions and lot more. Like an infant always knowing her/his mother will be around, we knew the other is always a call away or may be a day's journey away. We were, as I see right to be named, Orphans-of-Love.

How does one find the foster home? Or actually find parents with same care and same touch (yeah well, touch of a companion can't be expressed in words : still I may try). Anjali's care was wierd in many sense. When she will meet me her hands will go Icy-cold, even in hot-delhi summer. But it still shows the care, isn't it.

We talked once almost after 3 months of separation. She told me tears are not friends which will lighten your heart full of sorrow. They just screw up the eyes and leave dark circles. I said she is stupid and should take care of her health. Even as orphans, we knew the love or the subtle mean of it.

Then almost 6 months passed away and as usual my work became my Gaurdian. Helping me through some rough patches. Everyone hates monday mornings and I became scared of friday evenings. Always sending a puppy-cry to my manager on Friday for more work, to prevent ideal days. Food lost its importance. Music became cries and Lyrics turned to dark corners of the past.

9 month celebration was a blast as one of the her friend finally spilled the beans, she is getting married. For the first time a casual beer drinking washed away thoughts with tower of cans. But still nothing changed, nights means more nightmares, work was comforting, friends were few.

What actually time did to us? Healed us? In what ways, leaving a scare never to be healed again? I fail to see why any one said "Time is the greatest healer". Time is a machine which makes catalog of snapshots of all the good and bad times and never forgets to remind us about the bad times when slightest of wind with thoughts of past pass by.

1yr anniversary is round the corner...I see no reason why I shouldn't go out and celebrate the failure of our love that we console each other to take different path, the breakdown of our system when our education taught us to be secular and our parents denied mere existance of human-being belonging of different religion...

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"From the author's diary"

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An hour conversation with my friend gave me insight to how human-beings build life surrounding with different rules; bending them to feel comfortable. This is his story or should I say this is his heart. Wanted to say what ever abstract he said.

I also know the girl, I have been touch with her till the point she asked me not to be her friend any more. After all we met through Rahul. I saw her in the Church where she was getting married, I saw her in the white dress and I saw her going away in a car...She was content and I only hope she was/is/will-be happy.

Lets create Love...

I had a dream..some poetic thoughts...which lead to this question - Can we create LOVE?

Sometimes amongst the hectic day today activities, we find a small moment where we sit still thinking of different thoughts. Some about childhood, some about college, some about a movie or a book read long time back. But when I had a similar still moment, I thought of one never changing factor in ever changing lives: Love.

Few days back my brother said, "when we become parents the respect for our parents grows immensely." In our childhood, we are so vulnerable and in need of constant attention. As a grownup our parents know the importance of care a baby needs. They know what love is, but when we as an infant start to walk for the first time - did we manage to create love for our parents? Or when we say papa, mama for the first time - did we bring that tear in our parents eyes, filling their heart with warm love?

I grew up in a family of four, mama, daddy, my elder bro and me. Elder brother and I have fought zillions of times only to make our mother go mad & angry. Being considerably weak, I restore to act of hit & run or verbal dual. Though in school, the story was completely inverse. Mother asking my elder bro to keep me safe meant I go around bossing everyone and get away with any trouble. On one of these mafia rounds, unknowingly I tampered with a senior's sport equipment during recess, only to get a tight slap. The mafia clan was scared off, but one of my right hand (as I used to say him in the 90s) reported the incident to my elder brother. All I know that I was called to the principal office next class and my brother was standing with clothes full of dirt. I never realize until the class teacher told me in principal office that my brother has beaten the crap of my senior (he was younger to my brother though). The guy was left with swollen eye or something (if my memory servers me right). Once I narrated the story of being slapped, the principal was happy to see elder brother carrying & looking out for the younger one. We got off with a slap on the wrist. Once out, my brother & I had a naughty laugh and I teased him being the macho (also asking him to join 6th standard Mafia group). He got me a cold drink from canteen and off we went to our respective classes (his being 10th standard). I will never come to know how much joy the Principal had knowing our story, but surely we two (bhai & I) for the first time got connected in a different manner. He being more a sober dude, never showed his love for me in public, yet he managed to create PDA - Public Display of Affection.

College brought us out of the shell of home environment and a sense of independence. Initially it was hard for me to adjust with my home town being in Roorkee and college in Bangalore (nearly 2k+ km separating us). Status of calls used to be every night, with my mom worried every day. Ragging, Food, Hostel are sometimes the most scary words for a mother whose life can be defined by her kids growth. To add to this all, my first year of college where I was supposed to top to join a better branch coincided with the demise of my maternal grand father. It was a hard choice on my parents part to make such a decision, not to call me back from exams. Being a mother's pampered kid, this difficult time brought me close to my father. I had grown into a studious engg. student who will find solution of every problem and if I fail, will go back to his father for solutions. I realize that how much a father wants to be part of his child's education. Be it business, be it his travels which kept him away during our childhood, we both made sure college was one place where he act as my senior. Second semester electrical science paper gave me the nightmares - my brain getting replaced by electrical motor without the necessary oil & some parts missing. My father told me in simple words, you are son of an electrical engg. so quite worrying and start thinking. You will see each component as I saw almost 30 years back. Did we magically created neurons of knowledge? I scored 97 out of 100.

"Marriages are made in heaven" - I am sure the person who said that had a wife like my brother has. In our family of 4, we organized the first arranged marriage of my elder brother. I realized that how much it is hard for girls to wake up one morning and move to a different home. Where everyone is celebrating because it is marriage-time, but for her even the lights in the bedroom is on a different side. Yes she has been preparing from the time engagement happened but still. So soon she manages to know every one in her husband's family like she has been there forever. And in our case, she is only second to my brother to know me so closely. Yes, she was a girl few days back and now a mother of little angel (pari), but she knows how to be my friend and how to comfort me in a space of an year. She is always a call away to listen no matter what I have to say and bring peacefulness with her voice. Yes, I am sure it is love created instantly like maggi.

I was born heavy, really really heavy. More than 5kgs as a very health and tall baby. For my mother it wasn't easy (hell no) & also it wasn't easy for people who wished to pick me. With the Godly mass, I was piled in tones of clothes. But one family member, Mani didi, was never afraid to pick me or play with me. She is my maternal aunt's daughter. An age gap of 9, I have always been her baby bro & she my motherly sister. With different lifestyle and different city life, summer holidays were the only time where all 6 brothers & sisters come together on my mother-side. I used to find pulling her pony tail amazing and rightfully justify the act after been pinched on my chubby cheeks as infant number of times. She sleeps with her eyes open, I sleep cuddled up and holding her hand; She will watch over me when I am creating trouble, I put the blame on her when I get into trouble. And as God fast forward the dial to present, she has two kids of her own and I settled in Bangalore as a s/w pro, we two get sometime to interact with each other on messengers or phone. Each time to realize that distance looks so immaterial, so insignificant because we know each other so well. Distance may creep into our lives changing the way we knew our own, but a call, few silly words and loads of laughter will wipe the slate clean. Yes, everyday together when we laugh on either my acts of stupidity or prettiness of my nephews, we build our bonds stronger with nothing but love...

While writing away images of thoughts into series of words, I realize how incomplete this post will be...I can never share few creations of love that once existed in-around my life and as I am yet to discover my own better half, the ideal way to end it is by saying, Lets continue to create love.

The Bumpy Ride...

College life gives a number of unforgettable moments to all. The food in canteen, boring lectures, crushes, heartbreaks and finding love again... College made us realize how colorful life can be and before we all head into the cycle of life aka jobs, it gives us lot of our FIRSTS. This Ride is one of those collection of "firsts". And so it begins...

9:01 am

Swathi: Hello Raj, you sound like still sleeping? Please get up and get ready. We are all supposed to meet in front foyer in 1 hr. I am not your mom and certainly will not give you another wake up call.

Raj: Oh! You sound mad at me. This is only the 4th time you called. And you require at least 3 hrs to get ready which includes trying at least 10 dresses. We are just going on a 1 day hiking trip. All are college buddies; does it even matter what are you wear? And thanks Mom for waking me up. You are gem. Promise I will be on time. See you @ 10.

9:50am

Anindho: Deepti, I am totally against today's plan. Why do we need to go with so many people and waste quality time? Why can't we just hang out in college or some mall? Let us just bunk the trip. Anyway it looks like everyone is late. It is almost ten. We can go to compu lab and work for sometime till they leave. How is it?

Deepti: No! I told you that we are part of this gang. And Raj has worked so hard to arrange a car, made sure all parents agree and everyone is coming. The food is on him and so is the spot. All he ask is you to come and this is what you give him in return. Shame on you. I am not moving from the foyer. And the outing to waterfall is not important; it is the journey and chit-chat which will be so much fun.

Anindho: Ah Crap! I know why Raj is putting all the damn efforts in this. After all Swathi is coming. Look here comes Mahitha; atleast now my plan is officially trashed.

Mahitha: Hi Deepti, Hi Anindho. you guys are already here? Look, I got the food basket. I know Raj said no food required, but you know my mom, she needs to be sure that all of us are well fed. Typical mom.

Deepti: Yeah. We had to pick something from labs, so we came early. Good. At least now I don't have to worry if Raj forgets food.

10:10am

Raj: Hello everyone! Sorry I am late; oh but it is only 10mins late. The car is out in the parking lot along with food which before any of you girls say is purely veg, neatly packed in foil and in plastic boxes with labels. Oops, I mean Tupperware with labels!

And yeah, we pick Shivendu on our way. He carries stuff like cricket bat, football, his swimming trunk and hence can't walk till foyer.

Deepti, Mahitha, Swathi: We are waiting for so long and you have no shame to be on time. After all it is your plan. You are the host.

Raj: Chill ladies! I am at your service now! So if your wrath has ended, shall we move. And hey Anindho, you are first up on the wheels. I couldn't manage driver so all three of us have to switch & drive.

Deepti: What? No driver? Isn't it wrong? We should have at least a driver? You guys will get tired. It is almost 3 hrs drive.

Anindho: It is because I asked him to get a couple of beers. No driver means no alcohol. That is the only way he can restrict me drinking.

Raj: Okay no more conversation, let us head now to water, dirt and lot of food.

10:30am

Mahitha: SHIVENDU, COME OUT. WE ARE GETTING LATE. IF YOU DON'T COME OUT SOON, ALL GIRLS WILL COME IN.

Shivendu: Yeah coming, coming. No need to shout. And yeah no need to threat me with you stepping in my room. Just watch your head as my undies are drying right out of the entrance.

***

All friends were finally together. Took them sometime but finally the journey began. Raj, the funny guy planned and executed the plan. Anindho & Deepti or the love birds, were planning their own timeout, but they finally joined. The so called sisters - Mahitha & Swathi made the gang complete.

Oh! I forgot Shivendu. Umm! It doesn't matter. He hardly ever had his head out of Rock music. Wouldn't care much.

***

11:00am

Mahitha, Deepti, Swathi: "..Those were the best of my life... Standing of mama's proch, you told me to wait for ever...Those were the best of my life..."

Raj: Ladies, ladies...Hault. Stop... Thank you all for entertaining us with Mr. Adams' song. But as we see this activity is killing the purpose of our drive. Anindho is busy driving and watching Deepti in the mirror; all you girls have decided to test vocal chords without our involvement; shivendu has got lost in his air-guitar and rock music on his iPod, leaving me to sit and admire you all. On any other day in college it could have been charming so please let us do some in-motion activity involving all.

Anindho: What you have in mind buddy?

Mahitha: And yeah it should not be related to college studies. I know Raj, somehow you and Shivendu will get into either details of Microprocessor program or Java program.

Raj: Dont worry, it won't be studies. I have something like Truth & Dare, but as we are restricted to car, lets keep it Truth Only. The last time I played, it turned out to be real fun. But only if all say the right thing.

Shivendu: Oh! I am not sure this is a better option than my music. Can we stick to what ever we were doing and just reach the waterfall? Raj, please continue observing us. You might find a pattern in our behaviour.

Swathi: Hey Shivendu! Be a sport. I think Truth only is a great idea. And it looks like everyone is interested. So better take that plug out your ear. So we can play.

Deepti: To end the doubt of whom to start, any of you can ask me the first question and then I get to pick whom to ask the second. Deal?

ALL: Yes.

***

11:12am

Raj: Clearly asking something Deepti is not so wonderful as even if she says something not fully truthful, Mr.Anindho will support her. I feel in this case, we can make Anindho as something to her, which he has in his mind and want to know from Deepti? How about this.

Shivendu: Great idea man! Yes, Anindho ask her something, you always wanted to know from the time you guys been together. Every guy wants to know trade secret of women's heart. Though they seldom get to know it & when they do, they do feel sad.

Anindho: Okay. Now that you guys have put me in the hot seat. Deepti, how did you feel when I kissed you for the first time?

Raj, Swathi, Mahitha, Shivendu: WoooooW!

Shivendu: Man, someone has serious issues, knowing how good he is for his women. Dude you know you will get crucify later.

Anindho: Yeah, I know. But she chose to be here by offering this option. I am just adding salt to an already spiced up curry.

Deepti: I know I shouldn't have allowed this. But I am a sport and I will give an honest answer. As per shivendu, he will be sad in knowing the results. It wasn't the best place to kiss - the movie theater - watching a thriller. It was cold and dark inside but all I felt there was wet lips. Yup, just wetness & nothing else. It was the strangest of feeling for me. I guess I was too cold in the theater.

Anindho: Oh My God! Hmm... I can't say whether our choice was right or wrong, but surely can make upto you.

Raj: Oye! You are really asking for trouble man! I think you should stop here and now we all should ask you some question.

Deepti: Yup! Mr.Ray, you will really get some from me. Wait & watch.

Mahitha: Before anyone jump to ask Anindho, I have a question for him. Hope everyone is fine with me asking.

Raj, Swathi, Deepti: Yeah yeah. Go ahead.

Mahitha: So we all know you and Deepti being going around for quite sometime. Whom do you think is the architect of your love story? Upto you now to tell us all truthfully.

Anindho: Oh! This even Deepti knows. I will give some credit to Raj here. He helped a lot & I used to update him on it.

Deepti: Yeah, I know it too Raj. Thanks for being so kind.

Raj: Wow! So senti-mental dialogues from you two. I am touched. But the most funny part here is, Mr. Ray actually asked me how I find Deepti? And how I like her. I was totally confused when he asked me. I said she is nice and a really good friend. I share great chemistry with her. Turns out, he wanted to know whether I like her and is looking forward to approach her. My initial thought was to tease him. But he looked like a kid and I clarified it. Best of luck you too.

Mahitha: Ah! Such a nice thing to do Raj. I always thought, you liked Deepti and backout for Anindho.

Shivendu: Now wait a min, Raj you never told me about this. I thought you always liked Deepti. I am supposed to be your closed friend and I don't even get to know your crushes. I am hurt dude. On this note, I want to feel better. The only way I think it is possible right now, if I get to ask Mahitha the next question.

Mahitha: NO! YOU ARE NOT ASKING ME ANYTHING.

Swathi: Huh! What happened to you Mahitha? Why is there a problem in Shivendu asking you any question? I smell a rat here? Comeon Shivendu spill the beans now!

Shivendu: I will be plain simple straight. Okay Mahitha.

Mahitha: Shivendu stop. Please no. This is not right!

Shivendu: Hee Hee. So here is it guys. I asked Mahitha for her notes and just after giving the note book, she got shocked and started asking me back. I was like, why, did u forget anything in the notebook. And then she pounced on me and started snatching the note book. Finally she got hold of it and took a loose paper out of the book. Now, I have my doubts but I guess it was a very important letter.

Deepti: Wooooow! So who is the guy? You never took our update or advice. Is this guy not in our dept. Tell tell to all of us.

Mahitha: Shivendu, I should kill you for that. Okay. Yes, Rahul wrote me that letter but it was just solution of a problem I gave to him.

Raj: Rahul? Rahul? You like that nerd. OMG!

Shivendu: Nooooooo... That was not a solution, it was luuuvvvv... Love letter. Mahitha is in love. And tell us Mahitha, if you say that it was not love then why you didn't ask any in the group about the problem? Deepti, Anindho, Raj, all have brains.

Mahitha: I am supposed to answer ONLY one question. And I have done that. Period.

Shivendu: Fine! If you dont want to answer, we will take that as yes.

Anindho: Hey Raj, take over the driving buddy. I want to stretch my legs. Is it okay?

Raj: Okay. We can take a break from game and stop over to have lunch. We can finally show mercy to the food and relieve then from the bonds of Tupperware and foil.

***

From the game of relieving dark secrets, we all shifted our attention to food. And when it comes to food, the discussion has to be how worst is the hostel food? Which girl can cook? Do Deepti plans to do all the cooking eventually for Anindho? The disgusting jokes guys can crack while girls eat are too good. Food for thought - Any yellow dal resembles...? Yup, guys are as disgusting as their jokes! :)

***

12:30pm

Deepti: Hurry up guys. Half the day is over and we haven't even reach our destination. Raj, please drag everyone in and let us drive a little faster speed.

Raj: When Raj is here, have no fear. Lets rumble.

Mahitha: Should we also resume the game? Who all are left to answer? Shivendu & Swathi.

Deepti: No no, Raj is also left to answer.

Raj: Before any one asks me, let me ask shivendu if no one has any for him?

Shivendu: Please. I mind you asking me question. We spend so much time in college, hostel, my room that you even know the color of my chaddi. You will not ask a question but unravel some of my trade secrets.

Anindho: Comeon, shivendu. We all promise that if Raj asks any question remotely related to what color of briefs you are wearing or not wearing, we will disqualify it.

Raj: I heard some rumors from my flatmates that there has been increased activity on you mobile bill? There has been lot of long distance calls to your school friends! Is it true? If yes, spill the beans. You can also take Mahitha's way out answering one question, but I am sure no one here will be satisfied.

Shivendu: FYI, My flatmate Abhinav is a dead-man. I will organize his cremation ceremony and you all are invited. Yes, it is true that I am pursuing my school time crush & now sweetheart Neha. To add oohs & aahs, the latest update is, I have opened this at home. They like her already.

Deepti: One ooh and one aah for you :) This is even bigger than Mahitha's crush on Rahul.

Anindho: Man! You are on a faster track buddy. We both are finding it hard to tell our parents. Especially when Deepti parents want a nice American return South Indian lad for her and my parents want a homely-bengali bahu.

Deepti: Everyone has been asked to say something they wouldn't have otherwise but Swathi & the architect of this wonderful trip. Now I want to ask Raj, the same question his buddy asked me, with a little questions hanging here & there. Raj, tell about your first kiss, crush and location.

Shivendu: What? You almost choked me on water girl. Raj & these details. Never! He is such a casanova, I doubt he will remember that moment.

Anindho: Na, na. He is bounded by the rules of the land; in this case rules of the car. Speak up Raj. You should not hide this from your friends.

Raj: I doubt anyone of you will believe the truth and it is very easy for me to make up to tell you what you all want to hear. So should be truth or a well-dressed up lie.

Swathi: No Raj. We all will believe what you will say. Please let it be the truth.

Raj: To start, I will have to deny the alligation of being a casanova. Now most of you know that I am from a small town and studied in boy's school. Till date, I have no girlfriend. Believe me, first time I talked to a girl who was not related or a family friend was in 9th standard. Before that, I used to like girls somewhat similar to how Calvin likes Susie - sarcasm associated if someone doesn't understand. Coming to college, first year was crutial for studies so I hardly every interacted with any of the feminine gender and we been friends ever since. So having kiss, crush or location is still in my future.

Mahitha: Whoaaa! Hmmm... Raj, the way you have been with anyone for the past year, we never knew. So basically you are covering lost ground. For first part of your life aka school, you were denied the company or made to believe we are not the kinds to interact and now second phase of life aka college, all you do is flirt.

Raj: Mahitha, I am hurt. You girls would have booted me with sandles if I would have ever flirt with either of you. And trust me on this, flirting is not even in my dictionary. Anyways, this is the sad story of your lovely, charming & handsome friend. You can either show pity on me or next time any of your school visit our college, do introduce me.

Shivendu: Please don't forget me.

Anindho: Me too.

Deepti: What? #$*@&#

Swathi, Raj, Mahitha, Shivendu: ha ha ha!

***

We ask our friends lot of questions whose answer we already know. This was another of those astonishing FIRST which left friends shocked. After all, Raj is much more than just a charming chocolate boy.

***

1:18pm

Raj: Hey we have finally reached the place. Lets get out and rock the place.

Mahitha: But no one asked the one question to Swathi? We all got so engaged in Deepti-Anindho's fight, we didn't ask her.

Anindho: Please get it quick. I need to run for Almighty's call.

Raj: Lets me make it short - Swathi, excluding Shivendu, do you have crush on anyone in this travel group. Please say it in Yes or No, rather if's and but.

Swathi: Hee hee! YES.

*****

Lot of first and the real fun began with the first proposal. Guys really don't know how to make it special. But they do make the girl smile. And of the many qualities girls have, they will never forget when & how you made them smile. Just keep adding away these when & how timestamps.

Thinking of the song, girls were singing; it holds so true... Indeed college days are the best days of our life.

Nightmares

Everyday I sleep I've these Nightmares...
I use my blood to burn the flares.
I scream for help but no one hears...
I can stop crying but what about these flowing tears.

It is dark, my Love, but I dont fear the night,
As I see you like an angel dressed in white,
Come out, help me, standup and fight,
Be the ray of hope; be the Godsend light.

Dont fear the society, as they fear our powers.
And lets enrich our soul under the heavenly showers.
With our love, we'll bring the spring,
So that we walk free to enjoy the aura of blossomed flowers...

Thinking of you...

Remember gal, when we were walking in the Park?
You wanted to go home. It was late, it was dark.

Remember gal, the numerous rides on the Bike?
You hugged me so tight! The way I used to like.

Remember gal, the love letters that we wrote?
You always made a tiny heart! In the end, like a love-note.

Remember gal, the food we used to share?
You used to eat! But always start with a prayer.

Remember gal, I told I’m comin’ and you screamed?
You waiting at the station! Everything was like a dream.

Of all the times you remembered were when you cried!
Mistakes we both committed, but slowly your love for me died.

I have no one but my God, who knows my love is true!
Though you are long gone, I am still thinking of you!!

In My Dreams…

In my dreams I don’t stop thinking
& I laugh when u start winking.

In my dreams I like your smile
& I stop that moment as to cherish for a while.

In my dreams I like your touch
& I kiss you because I love u so much.

In my dreams U always try to hide
& I feel stuck in a scary tide.

In my dreams U dance around the ocean
& I just stare you hiding my emotion

I wish these dreams just go on
& I keep seeing U from Dusk to Dawn....

My Friend -- My Inspiration...

My life lacked a special friend,

In you I found someone on whom I could depend.

My soul yearned for love,

You came along and brought me heaven from above.

My eyes sought an unseen face,

They met yours' and in them I found eternal solace.

My hand reached out into the unfeeling world,

You took it in yours and a multitude of joys unfurled.

My heart longed for that love and care,

That your companionship has taught me to share.

My entire being wanted a sense of completion,

Your love happened to me and became -- My Inspiration......