Everywhere the feelings of a mother are described in the most beautiful ways. Mother's day is more important than Father's day. Women's day is celebrated where as there isn't any Men's day. So when a lady gets pregnant everyone around us talks about how she is feeling, how she will cope with each and everything that lies ahead. To this, my views are there isn't anything (not even God) who can describe it, the rainbow of feelings which affects her physically, mentally and emotionally. But where is father in all the big-bang story? What does he says, feels or is he even open enough to express an opinion.
Belonging to a very orthodox Indian family, the Male is a non-existing entity in the process of bring a new life in this world. Ironically, the science behind the whole process starts with the male, but this can't be discussed and is never taken into account. It is known to everyone, but not to be said out loud. The difference here though is that the current breed of Men, who belongs to the orthodox Indian family, living in the growing economy of metro/comso cities, are sandwich between the two generation. The plain orthodox family from the past and the ever growing modernized society of the future. Our parents didn't have Toys 'R' us when we were born, they didn't have so many books, internet. It was knowledge of one mother to another, being passed on. The father was always imagined a person outside the labor room (which may/may not be a hospital), pacing impatiently while ladies of old (mid-wife) will be taking necessary steps to extend the child-mother bond into this world. Even though, my parents had the best of times in the 80s and I got the best possible and sophisticated care of a nursing home, many who would have studies with me, might have gone through the traditional process. So here I am, talking about the journey of the new world, with the latest technology, expressing what it takes to be the logical one - Father.
Beginning before the Beginning
"It is a big step to get married", that are the exact words I had said to my closest friend when we both (of the same age) were both planning to take the plunge. Both had to opt to the traditional ways of Arrange Marriage, where the parents meet first and then the boy & girl meet. We both got married on consecutive days (and in the process missing each other weddings). My marriage was part of a bigger scheme my parents had in mind. 2008 Feb my brother got married, 2009 Feb my niece was born and in 2010 Feb, I took the plunge/pledge. All along the process of celebrating the coming of my life partner, my lovely (and much old) sister noticed this very scheme. My mother at one point of time, said to my sister, "In three yrs, three celebrations and next year it will be another celebration with Arpit's kid". From that moment on, till the time my sister departed to states, she will find a way to remind me of the bigger scheme my parents had in their mind. To be frank, my sister understand how much I take time in absorbing the big-bang things. Yeah kind of slow in such things. Her constant habit of nagging me with minor details is what has made the real difference. It was time for me to take the big steps. I entered the relationship with open mind and the comradery my wife and I shared from the very beginning made me the next-gen husband and in few years a responsible father.
First Discussion
It had been almost around an year when my visit to in-laws place shot up a very disturbing question. Someone in the family mentioned about us not having the kid and questions being asked about the well being of son-in-law. With all due respect to the person asking, I didn't take the expression very well. But as I say, Family might bring out the worst in you at times, but in front of family, try to bring out the best in you all times - no exceptions - hard but true. I remained calm and continued with the conversation and taking his opinion/joke, what ever it may be, in stride. Later on returning home, my wife and I sat and discussed the thought of starting a family. We both belong to what the cosmo-life calls us as DINK - Double Income No Kid. Changing all that wasn't so straight forward. Being the logical and the elder one, responsible to take wife's care, it was natural to me that we decide the number of years we shall enjoy with each other, before we get busy with the circle of life. For most of us it can't be planned. I have known friends who haven't and let nature takes it own course. I respect their views. I differed here as I wanted both us to be ready and plan it both mentally and financially.
Sex
Not really sure if the next section should ever see the light of the day, but if this blog ever helps a young couple, where the guy is unsure of the questions which comes with starting the family, I am sure this part is worth putting in. In movies, men say, "The more sex one get, the better it is. The greed never ends". Most part of it is true; the male brain never stops thinking about the physical contact. But if I would to put sex in the words of sports, Sex all along is net-practice. The real game is when you decide to make a life out of it. Once the female counterpart is ready and there is a challenge, mind plays great tricks. They are the triggers every person should be aware of. For the first time in my life, I felt it is really-really difficult. For some it might be as easy as it goes, but not for me. It was a rare learning about one self. Every month we waited for the good result and with every passing month the pressure increases, like it is a success one will never achieve. But we were lucky, truly were, that how I imagined is exactly how it happened.
The Good News
We started talking about it right after our second anniversary trip in Feb 2012 to Malaysia-Singapore. It wasn't a concrete discussion till I saw myself 6 month shy of turning 30. We are as young as we are in our mind, but body does weigh us down sometimes. It was time to be not just be us, but be more than us. All along I wish if the good news come when we are on our Diwali break. I was about to get ready to go visit some place with my brother, when my wife called me and told me there are two lines. Clear as crystal! Though I was little disappointed she threw it away without showing it to me, but the clear excitement was sending me through the roof. The visit to some place with my elder brother also sorted somethings in my head. It made me realized that I need to calm down as the news can to be shared only after few months. Here there is the orthodox part of our society, but it is also scientific. Till the scare of the new development of life in the womb is normal, it is not a real news. This is something which lot of people who haven't gone through the process might disagree, but trust me, once anyone is in such a position, it is exactly how you want to play it.
Knot in the stomach
Keeping secrets are hard, especially of such a scale. My wife wanted to have this discussion to our parents only once we have lived the first three months. How many times I wanted to tell it to them, but held back. I am not the person to keep secrets, I am one with voice and words. Staying silent isn't my forte. Who else comes to my help but my wife (aka knight-in-shining-armor). She got me occupied with all the findings, reading articles on websites, listening each time at doctor's visit, that I became responsible about the whole thing.
Our first scare
"No parent should ever buried their own child", is a line from a movie. Our first trimester was going smooth and then suddenly my wife with the scared face told me about her first incident of spotting. And as always the orthodox in me doesn't know what it is all about. And as her face turned red and tears started to trickle down, I was petrified of what could have happened. But the father in me, somewhere growing actually came up with courage. I picked the ipad on the bed and searched immediately. I had heard of it, but didn't know any reason behind it. Two things happened from this incident, I found out about it and there was nothing to be scared about immediately. Mothers go through it quite often and there is high possibility that it will not affect the baby. Consulting the doctors and pacifying my wife, I over come the hurdle. The second thing was, there is a need of an elder. Even though we can do it all alone, it is necessary for them to be around for sometime at the beginning.
Arrival of the Grands
Each time I had talked to my folks the conversation will lead to one question, "When are we having the baby?" And so it was time to ask my folks to come down and take good care of my wife. I have known all my life that my mother wanted a daughter. She got two sons and being the odd person in the family there have been times that she has missed that feeling. I knew it, but I actually saw it with my wife. On one evening when my wife and I came back from office, my wife immediately hugged my mother like I used to do. At that point my wife was the child and my mother was just "The Mother". There wasn't 'in-law' around and my father & I had smile of content. "We are family"
The unexpected
Are responsible or not is a question only tested by a responsibility. The first trimester had made me trash the house less, come home on time more and cook even more (at any given chance). But what I never expected was to support my wife in a totally unexpected scenario. My father in law had health concern and as my wife was in delicate time of her pregnancy, my mother in law took three days to inform my mother only. For the first time in my life, I had to lie to my wife. All along the bad feeling, the weight of the lie was eating me out. And to hide a single lie we lie more. I had to visit my father in law without telling my wife. Wrapped in this lie, I prayed to God for forgiveness and health for my father in law. After I had stayed for 4-5 days, I came back to my wife. I had to tell her, responsibility was not about going and looking after my father-in-law (there are lot of people who I thank and are did it unconditionally), but the responsibility of handling this news with my wife in the utmost care. How I told her, how I consoled as she cried and how I responded to each of her question was responsibility. She took some time to recover, she talked to her parents, her sister and finally felt much better. Before our marriage she had asked for one thing and one thing only. I remembered that and I hope I played for the time the part of being a son.
Strange changes in strange ways
I am lazy to my bone. My wife knows that (all wives know somehow about their husband) and it was difficult for me to do household chores. My mom used to got mad at me, my hostel-mates know I do it once a month and now my wife knew turn to handle it. But I changed unknowingly. There was milk with proteins, soaking & peeling of almonds, handling the cravings of my wife. Every single laziness had to be put on the back seat. Shopping, movies or food of some type. All needs, all cravings have to be taken care of. Discussion with doctors and making points of each care for the mommy-to-be... Till now that has been the hardest part. There will be more of such times, but this was God's way of teaching the father in me to study kindergarten.
The Separation
Initially we had decided to have the kid together, but when it come to kids, being prepared for change is the only plan parents can do. After seven months of care we changed plans and my wife went to her parents' place for the delivery. I haven't been together since, the separation is hard as now I don't know what to talk about at times. Evenings passes by in silence, with sometimes ring of the mobile. We do talk daily, I ask about the baby kicks daily, I have seen pictures of my wife growing, yet it is a separation I have to live through. And it is important, really important, because I know it's God's way of telling the father in me, "Dude! It ain't about you. It is about the my creation! So chin up!". And every second I am spending thinking of the life which I will be holding in few months time... If a girl, the time I will spend dressing her up and the help she will setting up her kitchen-blocks and if a boy, the time I will spend running behind him!
Waiting for my family... to be continued!!!
Sex
Not really sure if the next section should ever see the light of the day, but if this blog ever helps a young couple, where the guy is unsure of the questions which comes with starting the family, I am sure this part is worth putting in. In movies, men say, "The more sex one get, the better it is. The greed never ends". Most part of it is true; the male brain never stops thinking about the physical contact. But if I would to put sex in the words of sports, Sex all along is net-practice. The real game is when you decide to make a life out of it. Once the female counterpart is ready and there is a challenge, mind plays great tricks. They are the triggers every person should be aware of. For the first time in my life, I felt it is really-really difficult. For some it might be as easy as it goes, but not for me. It was a rare learning about one self. Every month we waited for the good result and with every passing month the pressure increases, like it is a success one will never achieve. But we were lucky, truly were, that how I imagined is exactly how it happened.
The Good News
We started talking about it right after our second anniversary trip in Feb 2012 to Malaysia-Singapore. It wasn't a concrete discussion till I saw myself 6 month shy of turning 30. We are as young as we are in our mind, but body does weigh us down sometimes. It was time to be not just be us, but be more than us. All along I wish if the good news come when we are on our Diwali break. I was about to get ready to go visit some place with my brother, when my wife called me and told me there are two lines. Clear as crystal! Though I was little disappointed she threw it away without showing it to me, but the clear excitement was sending me through the roof. The visit to some place with my elder brother also sorted somethings in my head. It made me realized that I need to calm down as the news can to be shared only after few months. Here there is the orthodox part of our society, but it is also scientific. Till the scare of the new development of life in the womb is normal, it is not a real news. This is something which lot of people who haven't gone through the process might disagree, but trust me, once anyone is in such a position, it is exactly how you want to play it.
Knot in the stomach
Keeping secrets are hard, especially of such a scale. My wife wanted to have this discussion to our parents only once we have lived the first three months. How many times I wanted to tell it to them, but held back. I am not the person to keep secrets, I am one with voice and words. Staying silent isn't my forte. Who else comes to my help but my wife (aka knight-in-shining-armor). She got me occupied with all the findings, reading articles on websites, listening each time at doctor's visit, that I became responsible about the whole thing.
Our first scare
"No parent should ever buried their own child", is a line from a movie. Our first trimester was going smooth and then suddenly my wife with the scared face told me about her first incident of spotting. And as always the orthodox in me doesn't know what it is all about. And as her face turned red and tears started to trickle down, I was petrified of what could have happened. But the father in me, somewhere growing actually came up with courage. I picked the ipad on the bed and searched immediately. I had heard of it, but didn't know any reason behind it. Two things happened from this incident, I found out about it and there was nothing to be scared about immediately. Mothers go through it quite often and there is high possibility that it will not affect the baby. Consulting the doctors and pacifying my wife, I over come the hurdle. The second thing was, there is a need of an elder. Even though we can do it all alone, it is necessary for them to be around for sometime at the beginning.
Arrival of the Grands
Each time I had talked to my folks the conversation will lead to one question, "When are we having the baby?" And so it was time to ask my folks to come down and take good care of my wife. I have known all my life that my mother wanted a daughter. She got two sons and being the odd person in the family there have been times that she has missed that feeling. I knew it, but I actually saw it with my wife. On one evening when my wife and I came back from office, my wife immediately hugged my mother like I used to do. At that point my wife was the child and my mother was just "The Mother". There wasn't 'in-law' around and my father & I had smile of content. "We are family"
The unexpected
Are responsible or not is a question only tested by a responsibility. The first trimester had made me trash the house less, come home on time more and cook even more (at any given chance). But what I never expected was to support my wife in a totally unexpected scenario. My father in law had health concern and as my wife was in delicate time of her pregnancy, my mother in law took three days to inform my mother only. For the first time in my life, I had to lie to my wife. All along the bad feeling, the weight of the lie was eating me out. And to hide a single lie we lie more. I had to visit my father in law without telling my wife. Wrapped in this lie, I prayed to God for forgiveness and health for my father in law. After I had stayed for 4-5 days, I came back to my wife. I had to tell her, responsibility was not about going and looking after my father-in-law (there are lot of people who I thank and are did it unconditionally), but the responsibility of handling this news with my wife in the utmost care. How I told her, how I consoled as she cried and how I responded to each of her question was responsibility. She took some time to recover, she talked to her parents, her sister and finally felt much better. Before our marriage she had asked for one thing and one thing only. I remembered that and I hope I played for the time the part of being a son.
Strange changes in strange ways
I am lazy to my bone. My wife knows that (all wives know somehow about their husband) and it was difficult for me to do household chores. My mom used to got mad at me, my hostel-mates know I do it once a month and now my wife knew turn to handle it. But I changed unknowingly. There was milk with proteins, soaking & peeling of almonds, handling the cravings of my wife. Every single laziness had to be put on the back seat. Shopping, movies or food of some type. All needs, all cravings have to be taken care of. Discussion with doctors and making points of each care for the mommy-to-be... Till now that has been the hardest part. There will be more of such times, but this was God's way of teaching the father in me to study kindergarten.
The Separation
Initially we had decided to have the kid together, but when it come to kids, being prepared for change is the only plan parents can do. After seven months of care we changed plans and my wife went to her parents' place for the delivery. I haven't been together since, the separation is hard as now I don't know what to talk about at times. Evenings passes by in silence, with sometimes ring of the mobile. We do talk daily, I ask about the baby kicks daily, I have seen pictures of my wife growing, yet it is a separation I have to live through. And it is important, really important, because I know it's God's way of telling the father in me, "Dude! It ain't about you. It is about the my creation! So chin up!". And every second I am spending thinking of the life which I will be holding in few months time... If a girl, the time I will spend dressing her up and the help she will setting up her kitchen-blocks and if a boy, the time I will spend running behind him!
Waiting for my family... to be continued!!!
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